Creep, Part One -- R
Title: Creep
Author: maraudersaffair
Type: Fiction
Length: 8600 [This part]
Pairings: Lily/Snape, Lupin/Snape
Rating: R [This part]
Summary: Follow Snape from the age of fifteen to his death. As he struggles with his feelings for Lily, he is unaware of another boy who feels just as intensely about him. The quotes at the beginning of each part is taken from "Creep" by Radiohead.
Notes: This was originally written for the Snape_After_DH community over at LJ. I was never able to finish it, but I'm determined to do so now. A great thanks to my beta, Marauderswolf! The prompt was "Snape's First and Last Kiss".



***

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry


1998


Pacing allowed him to clear his mind, an endless motion of his legs and a chill of the stone floor against his bare feet, numbing his heels and awakening the nerves in his toes. He still smelled Lupin on himself -- in his hair and on his chest, a scent sweeter than he would have imagined. The man's face fighting for attention just behind Snape's closed eyelids, just beyond the reality of now.

The bed had a look of recent use, sheets twisted together and hanging over the sides, wrinkled from the bodies that had laid between them. The faint outline of a head still pressed into one of the pillows, and Snape imagined he could see graying brown strands of hair against the white material. He imagined but knew it was not reality. The man had a child now -- a child. It disgusted Snape to think of Lupin going back to his wife, to their child -- happy and accepted.

But the end was near, Snape could feel it in his stomach, the way the Dark Lord anxiously stalked through the empty halls of the Malfoy Manor. It was all clicking -- Dumbledore's words and the desperate feel in the air, darkness everywhere. He knew his time was limited, knew that he needed to find Potter and tell him what he must do.

Snape stopped abruptly, staring down at what appeared to be a wadded up piece of parchment. He bent to retrieve it from the floor, the muscles in his thighs sore and aching, his unbuttoned trousers falling further down his slight hips. He sat on the edge of his bed and tried to smooth down the crinkled photograph, staring with clouded eyes at a seventeen-year-old Lupin, a shy expression on his face and his head tilted downward, fingers clutching at his open shirt as his eyes searched Snape's face with appraisal.

Lips parted in astonishment, Snape lost himself in thought, remembering emotions and a series of scenes, all swarming inside his mind, the sensation of being seventeen again edging through his consciousness. He felt his chest tighten in that peculiar way -- almost painful as his throat worked to swallow down a bitter taste in his mouth. Pressure built up around his eyes, something like tears blurring his vision and he stood once more, trying to deter the unwelcome regret from his mind.

He walked over to his desk and shifted through broken quills and old parchment for another photograph that meant much more to him, his fingers unsteady as the seconds passed without any findings. Panic surged inside him, until finally, his gaze fell upon the bright and smiling face of Lily. Her eyes were alight with laughter, messy but still perfect hair falling around her face in thick, red strands.

Snape felt a powerful protectiveness wash over him as his eyes greedily took in the sight of her, so perfect in her purity. She was everything he had ever wanted -- everything that was ever taken from him. He was long past crying whenever he looked at her face, but he could never destroy the complete guilt that sliced him on the inside, a vicious self-hatred that no one, not even Lupin, could extinguish. He was a monster, plain and simple, nothing but a long line of victims strewn across his life.

Placing both photographs on his desk, he stared at their faces, memories from when they were kids seeping into his brain, crushing his chest. The thought of going back in time and changing everything formed against his better judgment, as a searing pain erupted in his left arm. Hissing through his teeth, he realized suddenly that someone must have summoned the Dark Lord, which meant only one thing --

Potter.

He dressed quickly, picking up his shirt and discarded robes from the floor, buttoning mechanically, fingers diligent and steady. Placing his wand inside his cloak, he paused, a hand hovering over the photographs. Breathing in deeply, he tucked both into his breast pocket, near his beating heart, a sense of self-pity erupting inside him.

Before leaving the room, Snape fixed his wrinkled collar and patted down the front of his robes. He needed to find McGonagall and see what the hell was happening.

~*~

1975

Rays from the sun beamed off the asphalt, reflecting against Snape's reddened cheeks and burning his skin. Beads of sweat formed against his forehead and under his arms, staining his tight shirt and creating a musky scent that clung to his hair. He breathed in through his mouth as he walked down a neighborhood street, the smell of his own breath hitting the back of his throat and forcing him to swallow thickly. He felt the awkward deficiency of adolescence, long limbs and newly formed muscles, deep pimples carved into the side of his jaw and chin, red and painful.

He was a stranger in his own body, the mechanical working of such things as hands and feet unable to keep up with the aggressive messages his mind was sending, images of flesh and heated whispers swirling just behind his closed eyes.

He entered another, more busy street with automobiles riding past and pedestrians steadily walking to their destinations, his eyes focusing on a small playground and a teenage girl sitting on one of the swings, her pale legs stretched out in front of her. The girl looked up and spotted him, waving with a hand for him to join her. He crossed the street without looking both ways, his feet sinking into the soft grass once he stepped into the playground, coming up to stand next to her.

Smirking down at her with his arms crossed over his chest, he said, "How did I know you were going to be here, Lily?"

She looked up at him and rolled her eyes, a hand shielding her face from the sun. "Because this is where we always meet, Severus."

"Don't you think we're getting a bit old for swings?"

He stared at her as an expression of annoyance formed across her features, her sandals creating small circles on the ground, her toes small and pale in the sunlight. Dark freckles had appeared across her nose and forehead, the days spent outside finally marking her. She slumped forward in the swing, her hands clutching at the metal chains and her summertime blouse too small for her breasts. Snape could see the outline of her bra through her shirt and he looked away, feeling slightly guilty.

Closing her eyes, Lily leaned back and tilted her face to the sun, her chest falling up and down rhythmically. After a moment, she opened her eyes again and licked her lips, looking up at Snape with an odd expression on her face.

"It's really hot. Can we go to your house?"

Snape thought for a second, mentally going over his father's work schedule.

"Yeah, it's just my mum at home right now."

Lily nodded, her eyes a bit too understanding. Standing to stretch, she stopped abruptly and stared at a group of boys walking by, an air of rowdy delinquency surrounding them. Snape glared as one of the boys stopped and smirked at Lily, his hand coming up to grab his crotch. She blushed and mouthed fuck you to him, turning her head away.

A consuming anger tinged with jealousy shot through Snape, and he looked at Lily, expecting some sort of explanation.

"Do you know him?" he asked, his voice bitter and full of reproach.

"Not really," she answered after a moment, not looking at Snape. "He lives on my street."

The jealousy inside Snape flared and he clenched his jaw tightly, fighting down the urge to ask more questions.

"Should we go?" she asked, ignoring the sour look on his face. He nodded and followed her out of the playground.

~*~

The house was hot and suffocating, the smell of last night's dinner permeating through the living room. His mother lay on the couch, an old metal fan facing her, blowing warm air torward her face and freeing black strands of hair from her knotted bun. She was asleep, the television volume on low, a game show playing wordlessly.

Snape crept forward silently and switched off the television, turning to Lily with an apologetic look on his face. He waved for her to follow him, and she stared down at his mother before doing so, her steps soft on the worn carpeting.

"Does your Mum have any lotion?" she asked Snape once they had climbed the stairs, her fingers touching the deep red marks on her cheeks. "I think I may have a sunburn."

He shrugged. "I dunno. Do you want me to look for some?"

She nodded, sweat now appearing along her hairline. "I thought it would be cooler in your house."

Snape ignored her as they walked into his parents' bedroom, flinging open the closed draperies and allowing the sunlight to stream in. The beams of light highlighted the dusty tables and floor, and the small, almost invisible dirt particles floating in the air. He was self-conscious of the mess as they began to search through the drawers of the tables, even though Lily had seen his house countless times before.

There was something different about this summer -- a certain awkwardness that made him feel like an invisible wall blocked him from being close to her. Their relationship was changing as they grew older -- the differences between Lily as a girl and Snape as a boy evident by the way they reacted to each other. It was strange when Snape found himself drawn to Lily's chest or thighs, instead of her face and those eyes. A desire to be close to her physically overwhelmed his friendly thoughts towards Lily, a controlling and unpredictable force that made his palms sweat and his head swarm.

Inclining his head, Snape shifted through the cluttered drawers, fingers pushing past old shirts and mismatched socks, sometimes pulling out half-empty bottles of perfume or deodorant. He opened another drawer and discovered his mother's undergarments, shuddered and then closed it again without looking at the contents.

He paused, staring at Lily from the side, his eyes tilted downward. "Do you like that Mudblood?" His mind flashed back to the boy on the playground.

Lily looked at him, her face etched with anger. "You never know when to drop things, do you?"

Snape gritted his teeth, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at her with an unwavering gaze. "Do you?"

"No, I don't," she answered in a quiet voice, her words suddenly soft. She paused. "You know I don't like it when you call people that."

Pain appeared in her expression and Snape felt a strange guilt form inside his chest. "He's just a Muggle -- I didn't call you that."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Why don't you, Severus? I'm just like that boy!"

"No, you're not!" Snape began but fell silent before he could finish. Tears had formed in Lily's eyes.

The guilt thickened into a painful self-hatred and he looked down at his hands, cheeks burning and his thoughts struggling to form words that could make the situation better. An uncomfortable silence fell between them, and Snape swore he could feel Lily's anger and pain radiating from her body.

After a moment, Lily continued the search through the drawers, eyes concentrating on her hands instead of meeting Snape's apologetic gaze. She stopped suddenly, staring down at the drawer she had been looking through.

"What is it?" Snape asked, stepping closer to see. He also stilled as his eyes fell upon the cover of a glossy magazine, a naked woman smiling up at them as she cupped her breasts between her hands. His mouth became dry and a deep blush formed across his cheeks.

Her fingers trembled slightly as Lily lifted the magazine from the drawer, staring at the woman with a disconcerting expression. She looked at Snape then, her eyes mischievous as she sat down on the floor, waiting for him to follow her. He lowered himself to his knees and bent over to get a better look. She began to flip through the pages and his face deepened into an even darker hue, graphic images of naked women and their private parts spread out in front of them, colored and unmoving.

His breath hitched when they came across a picture of a redheaded woman, her legs spread wide and her fingers stuck deep inside herself, her pink nipples pointed and her expression ecstatic. Snape sat back on his heels, afraid that Lily would notice his reaction, his throat tightening and his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He suddenly imagined Lily like that, splayed out before him and naked, her green eyes darkened and chest heaving. He swallowed thickly and crossed his arms over his crotch.

She shook her leg in a thoughtless beat, clutching at the magazine with tight fingers and her eyes wide. He couldn't help but stare at her flushed cheeks. She gasped softly and Snape leaned over to see what had caused her reaction, his eyes darting to the hole in the page where the woman's cunt was suppose to be. His stomach dropped and he felt as if he was going to vomit.

"Why are there holes in these pages?" Lily asked, her voice rough.

Snape swallowed before answering. "I think my father did it -- he must use them for --"

Realization formed across her features and she dropped the magazine. "Ugh! That's disgusting!"

Snape shrugged as he ran his fingertips over the page. His mind flashed back to that woman, with her pale legs and glossy eyes, caught in such a passionate moment. The patch of hair above her cunt had been a dark red, and Snape wondered if it was the same for Lily. He glanced over at Lily and found that she was staring down at the page again, her breathing shallow.

A few seconds passed until she shoved the magazine away and stood up. "I need to use the loo." Her voice was high as she quickly walked out of the room.

He took the chance to rub himself through his jeans, trying unsuccessfully to release some of the pressure that was building up inside his body. He massaged and pushed, his breath coming in short huffs and his hair itching the side of his face. Twisting his eyes close, his head felt as if it would explode, his heart pounding in his ears and veins. His mind was a jumble of images -- unable to imagine Lily fully exposed, he saw flashes of pale thighs and stomachs, of round breasts and fleshy legs.

"Severus."

The voice was soft, almost timid and Snape went numb from the shock. His stomach clenched painfully, his hand going slack against his thigh and harsh embarrassment surging inside him.

Through his panting, he heard light footsteps on the carpet. Lily slouched down next to him and stilled -- Snape took a deep breath, cracking his eyes open to stare into her face. Her expression was soft as she gently placed her hand over Snape's, cupping them together for a moment. Searching his face, she slowly brought their hands up to rest against her breast, and Snape felt the rapid beating of her heart under his fingers. He sucked in air quickly, his mind becoming numb, his mouth parched.

Snape had no idea what to do and he was cemented to the ground as Lily leaned in, her lips slightly parted and the intense gaze of her eyes shinning through long lashes. Soft lips tentatively touched his and he felt his insides liquefy with the heat of her breath against his cheek and the rise and fall of her chest. It was a moment of hesitation and indecisive movements -- Snape wanted to find her tongue with his but couldn't manage the courage, his heart pounding in his ears and the world swirling around him.

Laughing, Lily broke away and rested her head against his shoulder, chest heaving with dry giggles. She sighed and looked up at him.

"That was something, wasn't it? Your father is downright scum."

Twisting away from her, Snape didn't say anything -- doubt and confusion blinding his thinking. He felt angry and used, knowing that Lily hadn't reacted to the kiss the way he did. She thought it was a joke -- an experiment, nothing that was important and soon forgotten with all their other childhood memories.

~*~

He wasn't surprised when the perfect badge came in the mail, but it was strange to sit across from Lupin and Lily after their first meeting, the train rocking back and forth, empty and lifeless fields running pass.

Lily had a gleeful excitement about her as she looked to Snape and Lupin, eyes searching and expression pondering. She cleared her throat and began to speak, but stopped -- her mouth falling close.

Lupin spoke first. "So, potion partners, eh?" He glanced at Snape with a small smile on his face.

Unresponsive, Snape just stared back at Lupin, knowing his eyes had a dead and black look to them. Lupin shrugged and leaned back into his seat, turning his head to the window.

Lily seemed aggravated. "We should form a study group -- with OWLs coming up. No one else I rather study with." She bit her bottom lip and looked to Snape, hope evident across her features.

Snape shrugged. "I suppose."

"Yeah," Lupin piped in, "especially now that we will be partners." He motioned between Snape and himself with a hand.

Rolling his eyes, Snape felt angry and disappointed that he wouldn't be Lily's partner anymore. It had been the only time they were able to spend together during school.

"Better get to our rounds," Lupin said, standing up and staring down at his watch. He waited until Snape stood up to walk out of the compartment, his eyes fleetingly focused on Snape's face before he disappeared through the door.

Lily turned to him, angry red blotches on her cheeks. "You could try being nicer to him!"

Snape shrugged again, not looking at her and scowling. "Where do you want to meet after rounds?"

Eyes blazing, Lily laughed and her voice was harsh. "I'm not going to sit with you! I'll sit with my other friends!"

Snape glared at her back as he cursed Lupin under his breath. Other people always fucked things up when it came to Lily.

~*~

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special


"You're doing it wrong," Snape whispered through clenched teeth, the muscles in his jaw straining. He wanted nothing more than to just clobber Lupin over the head.

Anger flashed quickly in Lupin's gaze and he stepped back from the table, long arms at his side, fingers twitching. "You keep on telling me this -- but I'm following the instructions!" His voice was also clipped and harsh, his cheeks reddening.

Snape rolled his eyes and tried to push Lupin to the side, but was grabbed by a strong hand. "No, Severus." Lupin exhaled loudly from his mouth, calming his voice. "If we are going to do this, it's going to be together."

Snape smacked the hand away from his shoulder, his skin burning with a weird sensation. He snorted and turned back to the potion, ignoring what Lupin had said. Lupin then stepped between Snape and the table, his arms crossing over his chest.

"There's something you're not telling me."

Something like fear twisted Snape's stomach, though his face remained unconcerned. He scowled and said, his voice full of mockery, "Oh, really? What secrets do you think I'm keeping from you?"

Lupin blinked but didn't step away. He stood and stared into Snape's face, as if waiting for him to proceed. "Well?" he said after a moment of silence.

"Get out of my way," Snape responded, anger now coloring his cheeks. His eyes were turning a murky brown, affected by his distress. "I have nothing to tell you."

"Why am I doing it wrong?" Lupin wouldn't back down.

"Nothing!" Snape whispered, his voice hoarse and his back itching from the multiple stares that were watching the scene unfold. "Nothing you can correct, that is."

"How do you know?" Lupin seemed to have moved closer, his elbow bumped into Snape's left arm.

Snape glared at Lupin for several long moments, his mind swirling and slight embarrassment adding to his anger. Finally, without meeting Lupin's eyes, he bent over and grabbed his bag from the floor, pulling out a worn potions book. He flung it onto the table and stepped back, crossing his arms over his chest and staring up at the ceiling.

This was supposed to be only Lily's and his secret, no one else's. Lupin had no right to see all of their hard work, to benefit from it when he couldn't even clean a fucking cauldron right.

Lupin was silent as he turned around to straighten the book before opening it with careful fingers, his expression confused as he read the first couple of pages.

"These are all sixth year potions."

Snape rolled his eyes. "There are fourth and fifth year ones in the back."

"Did Lily help you with this?" Lupin looked at him with suppressed admiration in his eyes.

Shrugging, Snape moved forward and pulled the book closer. He flipped to the correct page and said, "From now on, you will follow these instructions, not Slughorn's."

"Isn't this cheating? I mean -- not following what's on the board."

"Not when the class is taught by an imbecile."

Lupin grinned, turning his face away from Snape. He looked down at the insect legs he was preparing. "Wow, I really did fuck it up."

"A blind first year with no hands could have done a better job."

Lupin smiled even more. "Sod off."

"Gladly," Snape answered, turning his attention back to the potion.

~*~

They crowded together at one table, open and forgotten books stacked up and bits of food from dinner atop the mounds of paper. Lily sat to Snape's left and Lupin at his right, each one bending their neck to read the book on their lap.

Lily had toed her shoes off and stretched her legs under the table, white socks dirtied from the floor. Lupin's tie lay on his bag, next to his feet and he had undone the first three buttons of his shirt, the wrinkled sleeves rolled up to his elbow.

Sighing, Lupin leaned back into his chair, rubbing his face with a hand. "I think I may go cross-eyed from all this reading."

Lily giggled. "That would be very unfortunate -- and you would look weird."

Lupin gave her a toothy grin and made a face, his eyes rolling back into his head. "I would see nothing but charm incantations and hear Flitwicks' voice, More effort! More effort! over and over again. What hell."

Laughing loudly, Lily stood up on her toes and pointed her wand to the ceiling, her movements exaggerated. "It's a swish of the wand, not a stabbing!"

She collapsed in her chair, her face red from laughing so hard, her arms wrapped around her stomach as she struggled to calm herself.

Snape's scowl seemed to have carved itself into his face, a permanent fixture during study hours like this, his head turned downward, hair obscuring his nasty expression. He didn't like having Lupin around -- flirting with Lily every chance he could get. He hated the way Lily's eyes lit up whenever Lupin told a joke -- how he made her laugh until tears were in her eyes.

Lily Lupin. It even had a ring to it. God fuck him dead.

"Don't you think it's funny, Severus?" Lily asked, her voice strained.

"Yes, hilarious," Snape said from behind his hair, his teeth digging into the inside of his mouth. He could feel Lily's glare burn the top of his head.

Lupin felt it, too. "Well, I think we all need a break," he announced, his voice high. He stood up and collected his books from the table. "I'll just go and put these away."

Snape saw the tips of his shoes as Lupin walked around him to the other side of the library. Lily also stood up abruptly, not saying where she was going and banging the book she had been reading to the table.

Breathing in deeply, Snape closed his eyes for the briefest of moments, his head swirling with doubt. What had he done wrong exactly? It wasn't his fault that Lupin was a complete idiot.

"Maybe you should try harder."

Snape looked up to see Lupin sitting back down, three more books in his hands. He glared.

"What exactly do you mean by that?"

Lupin shrugged, not looking at Snape. He instead began to flip through the first book. "I dunno -- it's just obvious that you like her."

Snape's hand twitched to his wand, fingers tingling and he gritted his teeth. "That's none of your business."

Lupin glanced at him then, his expression rough and his eyes focused on Snape's face. "It's obvious -- so maybe you should stop being a damn prick about it."

"Do you like her?" Snape snapped, too angry to think about what he was saying.

Something flashed in Lupin's eyes, but was quickly replaced by a passive expression. "Your jealousy amuses me."

His vision blurring, Snape felt dizzy -- almost nauseated. "I think you're just here to get into her knickers!"

Sudden anger twisted Lupin's face, his eyes blaring. "Don't be so sure of that."

"I hate you!"

Snape stood up, his chair tipping over from the forceful movement. His sweaty hands slipped against the books as he piled them into his bag.

"You have no reason to hate me!" Lupin said through clenched teeth, leaning over the table on his hands so he could look directly into Snape's eyes. "Tell Lily that I apologise for leaving."

Lupin collected his bag from the floor, shoving his tie into the pocket of his trousers and stalked away. As Snape watched his receding back, he wondered what had died up Lupin's arse. It was obviously something very annoying and intrusive.

~*~

He rarely saw Lily anymore, and when he did, it was usually with Lupin around. The school year was speeding by -- everyone said it was because of the war that everything seemed to be so rushed. It's the fear -- such an unstable future of our world. Funny thing, Snape always thought it was the opposite -- fear slowed things down, made you sit back and re-evaluate your choices and decisions.

It was just after holidays that Lily decided not to go to Hogsmeade with her other friends, as she felt that she needed more practice in Transfiguration. Dark and heavy storm clouds covered the sky, the torches in the library alight even though it was only three o'clock in the afternoon.

Thunder shook the stone walls and Lily craned her neck to look out of the window, her small mouth biting the end of her quill. After a moment, she sighed and turned her attention back to the book she was reading, her eyes almost brown in the dim lighting. Her fingers kept tapping mindlessly on the table, and she crossed and recrossed her legs over and over again. Finally giving up on reading, she dropped her head to the book and closed her eyes.

"I want to go outside," Lily said, tilting her head up so she could look at Snape. "I know it's not a good time -- but -- I really want to."

Snape wiped his sweaty palms on his robes, his eyes darting to the window. "It looks like hell out there."

Lily made a disgruntled noise and pushed herself up from the table, arms slightly shaking. "I don't care. The air would be good for me."

"I don't think --" Snape began, but she had already grabbed her bag and threw it over her shoulder.

"You can come if you want."

Snape stared bewildered as Lily exited the library, his mind stalling until the crack of thunder echoed through the room. The few students who were around looked up, alarmed. She must be out of her fucking mind. Afraid for her safety, Snape quickly piled his things into his own heavy bag and followed her, his feet tripping over his fast pace.

"Lily, wait!" Snape called once he saw how far she had gotten. "Wait!" His voice flustered and his shoulders slumped, Lily finally stopped and turned to look at him.

"If you are coming, wait for me at the front. I need to get something first!" Breathless, she quickly rounded a corner and was out of view.

"What the hell do you have in your hand?"

Lily had met him at the front doors with what appeared to be a Muggle umbrella. An air of unsettling excitement followed her and she looked at Snape, eyes bright even though her expression was slightly unnerved.

"You know exactly what it is." She jiggled the umbrella in his face. "To keep the rain away."

Snape rolled his eyes as they stepped outside, the cold wind burning their faces. "There are charms for that, you know." He wrapped his thin arms around himself, pulling his black cloak tighter.

She laughed and bolted down the steps, into the grass. Rain pelted her head and dripped down her shirt, her fingers struggling to open the umbrella. They slid against the mental handle and she cursed softly as she tried to pry it open. Snape sneered as he began to shudder from the cold, his steps uneven when he moved closer to her.

"Here," he said through chattering teeth, grabbing the umbrella from her hand. He shook it twice and twisted the handle, pulling the fabric out.

Lily gave him a disapproving look and turned her head away, facing the nearby trees that lined the grounds. She ran her fingers through her hair before darting toward the trees, leaving Snape and the umbrella behind.

"Lily!" Snape yelled, his voice cracking. A chill from the rain was seeping in through his robes and to his skin, forcing him to shake even more. "What are you doing!"

Wind blew hair into his face as he stalked toward her, a nasty expression on his face. She stopped and turned to watch him, now protected from the rain by the hanging trees. Her hair dripped down her face and her white top clung to her chest, the outline of her nipples poking through the fabric.

Snape swallowed thickly and turned his head away, the blush warming his numb cheeks. He folded his arms into his cloak, standing far enough away from Lily without his hesitation becoming noticeable. Closing his eyes, he felt his throat tighten and that peculiar feeling of arousal deep within his stomach, the image of pale legs spread wide flashing before the darkness of his closed eyelids. He gritted his teeth as his legs began to shake from the blood rushing to his groin.

Sighing loudly, Lily leaned against a tree and yanked at her hair, an expression of concentration on her face. She mindlessly pulled at her shirt, trying to flatten the soggy material, but it clung to her breasts and the shape of her waist, down to her round belly. Snape felt his features harden into a tortured expression.

"Severus?" Lily said, her voice rough and her eyes wide. She took a step toward him and then stopped. "Sev -- Severus. Sev."

He blinked at her.

She looked at him as if he were a stranger. "Do you remember, Severus? Do you remember when we were kids? When you used to be happy." She reached a hand out and beckoned him to her.

He froze, unable to grasp the situation. "W-what?"

She suddenly turned away from him, her small hands yanking even harder at her hair, pale skin contrasting against the red strands. When she spoke her voice was soft. "I could love you. Like, really -- really love you. Do you know that?"

Her gaze burned into him. He shook his head.

"We never see each other anymore, do we? Always not around -- I suppose we are growing apart, aren't we?"

Snape didn't know what to say.

She gulped in air, her chest beating up and down. "Why do you hate people -- why do you push me away?"

"What?"

Lily made a frustrated sound and turned away again. "Why are you mean to Remus? I mean, he's not like Potter or Black. He's not like them at all. He's so nice, you know. And you push him away, just like you do to me."

It was as if she was talking to the trees and not him. "H-he looks at you differently, have you noticed?" She twisted her hands together and spun around to face Snape once more. Striding toward him, she stopped and stared into his face. "Have you noticed?"

Snape couldn't feel his tongue. He shook his head. "N-no," he stuttered.

"Of course not," Lily whispered, her eyes moving across his face and her expression miserable. "Do you want to kiss me -- again? Like we did during the summer."

He felt his knees begin to tremble and his eyes widen. His whole body seemed to be encased in ice.

Her face suddenly became angry. Grabbing his shoulders and shaking him, she yelled, "Don't you feel anything!" She took his head between her hands and crushed their lips together, her nails digging into the side of his face. His stomach muscles clenched painfully and he had to grab hold of her waist to keep from falling over.

What -- what was happening? Cold, but steady lips were on his, wet and chapped and so good -- He couldn't think -- couldn't feel anything but her lips and her waist, god -- and her breasts pressed into him like that -- He couldn't breathe -- too warm, but so right.

"Touch me," she murmured against his lips, her fingers taking hold of his wrist and planting his hand against her breast. She held it there and Snape felt himself convulse. He broke away from the kiss, panting and squeezing his eyes closed. Resting his head on her shoulder, he tried to calm the trembling of his body, his fingers numb as he clutched at her shirt.

Lily wrapped her hand around the back of his neck and tilted his head up so she could look at him. Pausing briefly, she kissed him again, her tongue forcing his lips apart. She stood on her toes to wrap her arms around his neck as she deepened the kiss, her movements rushed. Snape felt her exhale and the air entered his mouth, sliding down his throat. She tasted natural -- like she was supposed to taste, what he had imagined. Maybe some pumpkin juice and the caramels she had been eating mixed in, but it still was good.

He tried to return the kiss with the same valor, but he was afraid to do something wrong. Wrapping his arms firmly around Lily, he allowed her to plunder his mouth, his breathing shallow and his cheeks flushed. They broke away for air and Snape saw that her lips were a bright red, swollen from their brutal kiss.

Her eyes were darkened and her face red -- Snape didn't know what to think or how to approach the situation. He tried to control his panting but the cold air crushed his lungs, his head spinning. Lily brought his hand up and brushed her lips against his fingertips. She stared deep into his eyes as she lowered their hands to between her legs, under her skirt and she pressed their cupped hands into her knickers. The material was wet and Snape bowed over when he felt the heat and the outline of her vagina.

He was forced to his knees by his sudden orgasm and cried out, his hand pushing down hard on his groin. Confusion formed across Lily's face, until after a few moments, realization and embarrassment appeared and reddened her cheeks. Her hands jumped to her mouth and she stepped back, eyes wide.

"Severus -- are you all right?" she whispered, her voice hoarse.

Snape couldn't answer, panting on the ground and a weak arm trying to hold himself up. She hesitated, then dropped down to her knees and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, burying her face into the crook of his neck. He closed his eyes and leaned into her, accepting the warmth.

~*~

"Will you pass me some chocolate?" Lily asked, motioning to the bar of chocolate next to Snape's arm. He nodded and reached over to hand it to her, his fingers accidentally brushing over her upturned palm. She smiled and wrapped her hand around his, twisting their fingers together.

Snape pulled his hand away quickly, his eyes darting to Lupin. He found Lupin staring at him through pale lashes, his eyes titled downward and his mouth frowning. Feeling translucent under his gaze, Snape looked down at the book he was reading, annoyed by his reaction. Lupin had no right to be staring at him like that.

"Well," Lily began, her voice terse. Snape knew he had upset her by pulling his hand away. "I think I'll call it a night."

She collected her things and shouldered her bag, stopping to stare down at Snape. Closing her eyes, she bent awkwardly and kissed him on the cheek. She pulled away and glanced at Lupin before rushing out of the library.

It was strange to be alone with Lupin and he couldn't help but blush under the boy's knowing stare.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Snape finally snapped, his face deepening into an even darker hue. His fingers fidgeted with some loose paper on the table.

Lupin didn't blink. "So," he said softly, his eyes almost glinting, "Lily and you are a couple now?"

Smirking, Snape sneered, "Maybe. What's it to you?"

Lupin shrugged and looked down at his hands. "Nothing, I suppose." His voice trembled slightly.

Snape rolled his eyes and stood to put his books away. When he came back, he found Lupin waiting for him, bag over his shoulder and leaning against a chair. He stopped and stared at the boy, wondering what would possess Lupin to wait for him.

"Are you hungry?" Lupin asked, his eyes unwavering from Snape's face.

Snape scowled. "What kind of question is that?"

Gritting his teeth, Lupin thought to speak but instead grabbed his shoulder, stopping him from moving away. Snape tensed under his painful grip. "I wondered if you would come with me to get some food from the kitchens, that's it. I've been starving all night."

Snape cocked his eyebrow at him, a bemused look on his face. "You can't go alone?"

Lupin released his hold on Snape, sighing irritably. He stepped back and shrugged with a slow motion of his shoulder. "Whatever. I just thought to ask."

Watching him walk away, Snape suddenly felt a desperation erupt inside him. He gulped and then said, his voice uneven, "Ok, fine -- I'll go with you."

Turning around, Lupin smiled at him, waving for him to follow.

~*~

"What exactly are we doing here again?"

"Haven't you ever been down to the kitchens before?"

"No."

Lupin looked at him with surprise. "Well, this is the entrance to the kitchens. You know who runs the kitchen, right?"

Rolling his eyes, Snape answered tersely, "Of course. The house elves."

They stood in front of a painting of an enormous fruit bowl and Lupin stretched out a finger, tickling a pear until it turned into a green door handle. He ushered Snape through the opening, leading the way down the stone steps and entering into a room the size of the Great Hall. They seemed to go unnoticed by the numerous house elves running by, until finally, one stopped and smiled shyly at Lupin.

"Come again for snack, sir?" the small elf asked, his voice squeaky.

Lupin smiled gently and nodded. "I think sandwiches would be good."

The elf ran off to fetch the sandwiches and Lupin turned back to Snape.

"I can't believe you have never been down here. I always come here with my friends."

Snape felt incredibly awkward. "You mean Potter and Black?" he sneered, wrapping his arms around himself.

"And Peter," Lupin said quietly, his expression unreadable. "This place is always good for midnight snacks."

The house elf returned then, arms filled with wrapped sandwiches and fruits. He struggled to hold all of it.

"Wow, thanks! You didn't need to bring all of this!"

"It is my pleasure, sir."

Lupin grabbed four sandwiches and when he saw Snape eyeing him, he shrugged. "For my friends. They're probably hungry, too."

Without looking at Lupin, he stepped forward and grabbed a random sandwich and an apple. He shuffled his feet uncomfortably until Lupin's voice made him look up.

"Well, I guess that's it. Got what you wanted?"

Snape nodded, but didn't say anything.

"Good," he said, biting into his sandwich. He chewed quickly and swallowed, watching Snape. "Are you going to eat or not?"

He turned away from Lupin and dropped his food into his bag. "I'll save it."

Lupin smiled at him and his eyes were curious.

Once they were out of the kitchens, Lupin stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, the touch soft and friendly.

"Look, I know you don't like me much -- but I think we could grow to be friends. Get me?" Lupin said earnestly, his voice soft.

Snape glanced into his eyes and then focused his gaze on his feet, the warmth of Lupin's hand stinging his skin through the layer of clothing. When Snape didn't answer, the grip on his shoulder tightened.

"It doesn't have to be like this," Lupin whispered.

Shrugging, he glanced up into Lupin's face again and found his eyes blazing. Snape swallowed thickly, a peculiar blush forming against his cheeks. He shifted his feet, confused by his reaction.

"Let go of my shoulder."

"Oh," Lupin said, stepping back and dropping his hand. He appeared to be flustered. "Sorry."

Snape nodded and pulled his robes tighter around himself. Embarrassment shot through him for an unknown reason and he turned quickly down another corridor, toward the Slytherin common room. Lupin followed stubbornly, without speaking and Snape tensed at his presence. Their steps were soft against the stones -- he could almost hear Lupin breathing, the silence between them so thick.

Before he decended to the dungeons, he stopped abruptly and turned to look at Lupin, unnerved at the proximity of the boy. He gulped. "You can't follow me anymore."

Lupin blinked and then grinned, his expression almost mischievous. "Why not?"

"Because," Snape said, taking a step back, "you are not allowed in the Slytherin common room."

"Is that a rule?" Lupin closed the space between Snape and himself.

"Stop it!" Snape said through clenched teeth. "Whatever you are doing -- or trying to do, just stop it!"

"I am doing nothing."

Snape raised his arms as if to shove Lupin away, but felt the hard wood of his wand in his gasp. When had he drawn it?

"This must be another one of Potter's tricks!" Snape said passionately, pointing his wand into Lupin's face. "I will not allow it!"

Lupin almost seemed hurt. He stretched out his hands in a defenseless manner. "It's not a trick. I don't want to embarrass you. This is just -- how I -- feel." He said the last word as if pained him.

Blinking at him, Snape's face fell into a harsh expression. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Lupin laughed roughly, his voice strained. He then moved away from Snape, his hands slipping into his pockets. "Well -- goodnight." He tilted his head downward and shuffled his feet, almost in a bashful sense.

Snape didn't reply, instead turning his back to Lupin and leaving him in the corridor. Once he was safely in his dormitory, he flung his bag to the ground and sat down on his bed, sinking into the mattress. A rustling sound came from the bed next to his and Mulciber emerged from the hangings.

"Snape? Finally back?" His voice was thick from sleep, but his heavy eyes were dark with intent. He had a look of suspicion on his crowded features.

Snape nodded as he yanked his shoes off, only half interested in what Mulciber had to say.

"Out with that Mudblood again?"

Stilling briefly and his eyes still focused on the floor, Snape didn't respond.

"Appearances are everything, Snape," Mulciber began slowly. "Yeah, she's a pretty skirt and everything -- I understand. But you can't be seen with her, not with so much interest in you. Very valuable, I heard."

Snape felt as if he couldn't breathe, his chest tightening -- God, his lungs unable to work. His fingers were numb and his stomach clenching painfully.

"There are great things to come," Mulciber continued, his voice low, "Things which simpletons like that Evans can't even imagine. You could be apart of it."

He dropped his shoe and began to unbutton his shirt, mind swirling.

"Remember this the next time you decide to study with her -- or that -- Lupin. They both will not survive."

"Right," Snape finally said, climbing onto his bed and glancing quickly at Mulciber before closing the hangings. "Right." His voice was a whisper.

~*~

"Leave him ALONE!"

The scent of glass and dirt filled his nostrils, a deep and uncontrollable anger coursing through him, thick with embarrassment and hatred that made him feel as if he could kill anyone, just rip out their heart and watch it slowly beat until it finally stopped. The taste of bitter soap burned his throat and stung his cracked lips, his lungs heavy as lead.

He didn't want her here -- not when he was in such a degrading position. Even though his eyes were not on Potter, he knew the boy had tensed -- knew he was now staring at Lily in that way. Snape gritted his teeth, still struggling under the jinx, as he heard Potter's smooth voice.

"All right, Evans?"

He hated that voice -- hated the way it made him feel so inadequate and filthy. He allowed himself to glance up at Lily's face and he found her cheeks red, eyes blazing. She meant to look angry -- disgusted, but Snape had spent too much time staring at her expressions to not see the curiosity -- the excitement. It wasn't anger that colored her cheeks, it was attraction and desire. She liked yelling at Potter -- liked the way it made blood rush through her veins and her heart pound inside her chest.

Snape couldn't listen to what Potter was saying to Lily; he instead began to inch slowly to his wand, the strong hold of the jinx finally wearing off. The blades of grass were warm against his hands and he felt potent sweat under his arms and above his top lip. He reached an arm out, but stopped -- his ears finally alert to the conversation.

"Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

Something like self-pity surged through him, and he felt enraged tears sting his eyes. The world had ceased to move, a set of images flashed through his brain at the rate of a flying broom. He saw it all laid out before him -- Potter and Lily, together and married. Saw her smiling face staring up at Potter with complete devotion in her eyes. He was rich, a pure blood and way more attractive than Snape could ever be.

Why would Lily ever want him when she could have Potter?

He heard Mulciber's voice distantly but growing louder with each intake of air. He had a chance to be someone -- to be better than Potter. Maybe he didn't need Lily right now -- he knew he would never be able to have her, at least not in his current condition. He needed to build up his power and fortune, maybe then she would choose him over Potter, maybe then she would understand why he needed to join the Dark Lord.

He felt powerful anger blur his vision as he grasped his wand. Fuck them all. Without thinking, he directed the sectumsempra spell at Potter, but his aim was off and it only slashed the side of his face. Potter swerved around and before Snape could react, he was hanging upside down, his heavy robes falling over his head. The sun burned his thighs and he sucked in air, embarrassed that Lily had to see him like this.

"Let him down!"

Snape fell in a heap on the ground and for a split second he saw the laughter in Lily's eyes, the small smile that was threatening to break through her angry expression. She enjoyed his humiliation -- thought it was humorous to see him at the mercy of Potter. He felt betrayed, rejected and he suddenly wanted nothing more than to make Lily feel the way he did.

"There you go," Potter said, "you're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus --"

His voice was taunting. Snape snapped.

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Snape saw Lily blink and he knew he had crossed the line. His mind began to stall, his throat tightening and he knew nothing more.

"Fine," Lily said with indifference. "I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."

The world went black.

~*~

"No -- listen, I didn't mean --"

"-- to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

The words died from Snape's lips and he lost all ability to speak. He had fucked up -- plain and simple -- he felt a peculiar desperation crush his chest as he watched Lily walk away. Tears burned his eyes and he quickly wiped them away with his sleeve. He slumped against the stone wall and pulled his cloak tighter around himself, a certain melancholy settling in his stomach.

"Don't worry, she'll come around."

Snape looked up to see Lupin emerge from the shadows, his expression almost satisfied.

"Leave," Snape said, his voice rough.

Lupin stopped a few steps away from Snape, staring at him with bright eyes. "I'm sorry about what happened today. It was wrong for them to do that." He moved closer to Snape.

"Leave," Snape repeated, his voice growing louder.

Lupin shook his head and reached a hand out to brush against Snape's arm. "It's not the end of the world, you know. There are other people besides Lily."

His lips began to tremble as he backed away from Lupin. He felt his rapid heart beat as angry tears fell down his face. He couldn't manage the voice to scream at Lupin, and he turned quickly, hurrying down the corridor without looking back.

Lupin yelled something to him, but he didn't hear -- his ears were buzzing too loudly.

To Be Continued